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MSP, ATL and SLC ixnay on the CNNay

by Conrad Evarts   |  September 2nd, 2011 0

"Is this my future? Oh, shut up..."

How do I say this without sounding like that crusty, old, curmudgeon Andy Rooney? Is he even still alive? Anyhow, I have something to say here about certain airports that I frequent involuntarily. Unless I come up with a clever rhetorical technique fast, I will certainly sound like a grumpy old man.

Whatever…according to the semi-hot woman sitting next to me in biz class right now from SLC to LAX, it’s too late to avoid this.

To clarify for the numbnuts out there that are going read this and then comment, “What does this here have to do about huntin’? And why are you lettin’ this here peckerwood soil the good name of a great huntin’ mag like this with this non-huntin’ jibber jabber?” Here’s what it has to do with hunting, I’m on my way to meet the legend Craig Boddington to tape him hunting a sambar in Central California. So, to guys with screen names like “Horn Swoggle”, “Short Blood Trail”, “Elmer Fudd”, “Secret Squirrel”, “Confederate Son” and “Foghorn Leghorn” put that in your corncob pipe and smoke it. Go ahead and comment, but know that I preemptively struck you DOWN.

So, I’m going to try two tactics here. The first is very noble, something I’m known for, and that is to make this a political movement. If you agree with the following opinion, I’ll start one of these online petitions and you can POST and REPOST and have your friends REPOST my diatribe on FACEBOOK, IN ALL CAPS!!!! WITH LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!! TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS YOU WENT TO PUBLIC SCHOOL!!!! Then you can “like” it and put 800 witty comments below and finally you can SEND ME MONEY to further my campaign. This is my first strategy.

My second is to insert a non-sequitar here that happens to be my favorite hunting camp joke. This will demonstrate my humanity and the fact that I have a sense of humor and am probably not a psychopath. This hopefully will endear me to you and get you to hop on board with the above budding political movement.

“WHAT DO A TEXAS TORNADO AND AN IDAHO DIVORCE HAVE IN COMMON?”

The punch line will be delivered after the following diatribe:

Please shut up Mr. Cooper, this isn't the time or place.

MSP, ATL, SLC and any other airport that force-feeds CNN to travelers…please, please stop. Honestly, I’m begging the management of these airports to have mercy. I’m not being hyperbolic or dramatic at the moment. CNN blaring in an airport is torture. I know absolutely no national secrets, and I have only two or three personal secrets, but I’ll tell you all of them if you’ll please shut that frantic chatter posing as news off.

Why do I loathe CNN? CNN is glib, smug, loud, bossy, inane, oversimplified, repetitive, filled with phony laughter, clever (different than smart), shrill and highly subjective (the opposite of good news in a free society). At the risk of pissing of most of our readers on this site, I feel the same way about FOX. I have a degree in journalism from a good J-school. I worked in news. I know a little about it, not much, but enough to know crap.

My observations indicate CNN monitors in waiting areas have the same effect on travelers as a bee hive. This could be a quiet niche in the airport, but noooooooo.

Why do I double dog loathe CNN when it’s being force fed to me in airports? Because I’m an independent minded American and I’ll take my news when, where and how I choose. I have this new invention called a laptop and I can get my news on my own. So can everybody else in the airport under 100 years old. Everybody over 100 years old can still buy a newspaper.

The monitors bellowing out CNN are nearly impossible to hide from. I spend my time during layovers trying to find a broom closet or abandoned corner that some geeky jackass neglected to hang a monitor in.

As a side note, the loudest CNN monitor I’ve found in America is next to the smoking aquarium in SLC’s “E” concourse. I fly home to Helena, MT so I’m subjected to this one most frequently. To that monitor and all the talking heads inhabitating it, “I hate you…alot.”.

I don't care who set their baby on fire then drowned it while global warming destroyed the economy causing a plane to crash. Just shut up.

Air travel sucks and learning about moms killing their babies, tornadoes, pirates and plane crashes makes the experience worse. I want to laugh between flights, not get more stressed out. This does not mean you should play “Comedy Central”. Just shut the damn things off and let me watch what I will on my personal device. Public TV monitors are the phone booths of 2012. Let them go dark and when you have time remove them. Or maybe just put a running apology from  DELTA management for all the late flights and hostile employees. Subtitled of course.

“SOMEBODY IS GOING TO LOSE A TRAILER.”

You’re welcome.

 

 

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