January 10, 2012
By Conrad Evarts
How do I know my job is better than yours?
First, everyone tells me so. Second, if it's blue collar, I probably did some form of your job before I got fired and inspired. A brief look at my pre-camera monkey resume: paperboy, amateur landscaper, snow shoveler, gas fitter, appliance repairman, furniture deliverer, factory janitor, beer fridge stocker at Korean grocery store, pharmacy delivery man, flower delivery man, balloon delivery man, water heater installer, deckhand on a sailboat, cook, dishwasher, day laborer carrying heavy stuff, day laborer carrying light stuff, photo developer, sheet rocker, painter, dumpster diver, auto mechanic (major fail), maintenance man at a pizza crust factory, janitor, tard tackler, salesman of everything from citrus to radio ads, eye-in-the sky traffic reporter, guerilla marketer, telemarketer and many shady vocations I can't remember or choose not to divulge.
I started paying income taxes when I was 14. I noticed about that age that I needed cash to get out of the poorest neighborhood in Washington State -- Hillyard, Google it -- so I got a special child labor work permit from the city of Spokane. The next thing I learned was I couldn't do a boring job, and I spent the next 15 years doing whatever I could not to be crushed by boredom.
One thing I've proven to myself is that I'll take hunger, homelessness and uncertainty over the soul-swallowing demon of boredom. I threw it all away and risked it all over and over until the roulette ball of life landed here: The Number One Camera Monkey for Petersen's Hunting TV.
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Why am I here and you're there? I'm no career counselor but I think there are three reasons: 1) I'm insane; 2) I have massive cajones that generate gallons of testosterone; and 3) I'm a mastermind. I never chickened out on my dream.
1. Women Want to Talk to Me
Need I say more? No, but I will. When my name was painted on my shirt nobody cared how many water heaters I could install in a day, and so you know, nobody wanted to know how many BTUs the pizza oven generated either. The answer is 2 million; the irony is it was built in Israel. Today, I hang back quietly until you've bored all the ladies to tears and I mention I just returned from Zim or my fourth trip to Europe in as many months and BAM, I'm holding court. A few understated references to laughing in death's face while facing a buff or chasing chamois and POW, I own the room. As it should be.
2. I Can Smoke on the Job
I'm smoking a cigar while I write this. Unless you're Boss Hogg, a pirate or a pimp, you're not.
3. My Office is Beautiful
Not my home office, but the wild, wild world I get to explore. Honestly, and I'll stop being a tool momentarily, it is everything you might imagine. The beauty of the sun setting over the Zambezi River, the clouds racing below us in the Carpathian Mountains, icebergs passing slowly by in Greenland, Barcelona, Cape Town, Stockholm, Reykjavik, Buenos Aires, Edinburgh€¦ All fantastic. And damn it, only in America can a person born into real poverty make it to dining five star in the most elite settings in the world.
4. I'm Surrounded by Exciting People
I don't have to suffer dull people -- except in Canada. The people I'm surrounded by are amazing achievers, adventurers, and nutcases. They play by their own rules and create their own worlds. They've seen the world, and they are bold, intense and fascinating. Einstein said, 'Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. ' The only time I encounter mediocre minds now is when I board a Delta flight or go to Canada.
5. I Never Get Bored
I may get exhausted, but I'm never bored. There are times -- fleeting, but they do exist -- where I wish I had your job. I wish I was laying my head on my own pillow rather than jammed on an international flight. I dream of a simple meal with my family rather than a late two hour Euro dinner. I imagine joining a softball league, the Masons or some such thing. But I'm an addict -- I'm addicted to adventure, I'm addicted to a life that is bigger than life. I'm a gypsy. I'm driven, obsessed and insane and I just can't tolerate the crushing weight of boredom.
