7 Ways You Can Punk PETA
April 30, 2012
PETA's efforts to sway public opinion to "their" side of thinking over the years would be humorous if it wasn't just so downright pathetic. Among some of their tactics are violent attacks, throwing of fake blood on innocent victims and the appearances of naked young women painted up like endangered cats and herded in cages. Nude protesters (the protesters were nude, not protesting nudity) have run through the streets to shine a spotlight on their opposition to the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Then of course is the famous, yet pointless "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" ad campaign and another banned ad campaign where scantily clad women were getting hot and heavy with their'¦um'¦vegetables. The list of stupidity goes on and on, but hey, let's face it, their over-the-top tactics go so far beyond the pale that they have probably won hunting, as well as the meat and fur industries, more supporters than they've turned away.
But for the over-achieving sportsman not content with that situation, here are eight ways to turn PETA's efforts bassackwards and use their tactics against them.
Eat More Veggies — And lots of them.
What better way to get even with these salad-eating mambie pambies than to deluge the vegetable market with demand and drive up the price of their beloved Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, carrots, cucumbers and other wonderful thing in the lame stock image above. With a billion Chinese and counting scarfing down soy, rice and anything else you can toss into a stir-fry, the country that makes virtually everything sold in the United States is doing its part as an ally of the sportsman. Pretty soon, serious vegetarians are going to go so broke keeping the fridge stocked, they'll be forced to make a return to meat or go on a strict American diet of Swiss Rolls, Oreos and Butterfingers. For the sportsman, we remind you that veggies such as carrots and potatoes always make a great accompaniment to roast venison and grilled duck.
Invent a Tofu-Powered Engine
Along the same lines as cornering the market on veggies, PETA types and their vegan pals, simply love tofu — a soy-based texture they try to convince their normal friends tastes 'œjust like real meat!' For a while, I was convinced the stuff was — and probably really is — made of Soilent Green. When tofu becomes a viable fuel for the masses, it will spike the price on the white, greasy soy material so much that they will be envious of the price of real chicken.
Have a Naked Grill-Off
PETA folks learned long ago that nudity draws attention, even if nobody still pays a mind to the message you're trying to spread. So why shouldn't we, not run with a similar tactic. Next time your local vegans plan to set up a booth at a community event, get a dozen of your best steak-and-beer buddies, the more pasty white and out of shape the better, and organize a nude chili grill-off right in their midst. We promise it will go over like a fart in church. But then, isn't that the point.
Work for PETA
PETA loves to send people in undercover to different jobs, so let's do it to them. Get hired, schmooze with some hot animal-loving chicks (they'll never ask for a bite of your sandwich), and then work as half-assed as you can to muck things up. What's even better, you won't ever have trouble taking time off work for the first week of hunting season because nobody else there will be asking for the same time off! And if you do get caught heading out to hunt by a translucent skinned, vegan zombie coworker, you can just whisper in her ear that you are going undercover as a hunter, not really living the dream.
Juice Bomb Them With V-8
PETA members love to throw blood on fur wearers (and most recently flour on Kim Kardashian), so let's have some fun of our own. They bust our chops for hunting animals, but at least wild animals have a chance to escape. That poor stalk of broccoli or head of lettuce is just stuck in the ground, bound in the soil and unable to flee the feeble, extraterrestrial-like hands of protein-deficient vegans. So what would be more appropriate than dousing them with an open jug of V-8 (the tastiest symbol of a vegetable's blood and darn tasty in a Bloody Mary) while screaming, 'œFree the Veggie Tales. Free the Veggie Tales.'
Harass a Nude PETA Model
It's fun times when a nude model shows up to paint her body and nether regions like the hide of a tiger and then crawl in a cage to protest zoos, circuses or anything else PETA decides it's against that week. Go eyeball the hottie and after you've had your fill, start to work on her psychologically. We're not talking yelling at her for her ignorance or why you disagree with her. Nope, that would be too easy. Instead, simply pick out her imperfections and begin discussing them with a buddy within earshot i.e., 'œyeah, that tiger make-up really makes her butt look big' or 'œIs her left breast hanging a little lower than her right?' It won't take much to have most of those vain little beasts weeping in their cages and begging for a moo-moo with which to cover themselves up.
Trigger the Apocalypse
Vegetarianism is a luxury of an affluent society. You can bet your behind they're not lounging around Sudan talking about how nobody should eat meat. Give a starving person a chunk of elk loin and I promise you, they're not going to say, 'œNo thanks. I'd rather hold out for some hummus and basil leaves.' With our staggering economy, global warming and the renewal of the Maury Povich show for another season, our world order is three-fourths of the way toward an all out implosion. Ah heck, go ahead, kick out that last leg of hope for civilization by re-electing Obama to a second term and you'll certainly trigger the apocalypse as Nostradamus predicted it. Then see how many vegetarians are still proudly walking around when it's nuclear winter and our communities look like scenes from Lord of the Flies.